Ask Johann

The exclusive column from Scotland’s best known agony aunt.


Dear Johann,

I’m concerned about the No campaign’s chosen moniker, ‘Better Together.’ It’s pleasant enough sounding but surely the word ‘better’ is a relative term which begs the question ‘better than what?’ Certainly the status quo is better than having your scrotum twisted in a vice or having to swing weights from your nipples but is that a strong enough vision for the future?

A. Darling

Johann says:

Ah agree son, the campaign slogan is mince. Ah’ve gave this some considerable thought and Ah’ve came up wi’ a few ideas…

‘Gauny no go’

‘Say Naw tae Aye’

‘Dinna puush SLAB aff the gravy-train’

Ma ane favourite is:

‘Weer better aff no apart so we ur’

Remember, Darlin’… if the NATS hiv their way, ye’ll hiv tae walk tae the border tae get yer train back tae London… FACT! Ah hope this helps.

Dear Johann,

As a member of the Free Church I believe Man’s main duties in life are to know, love and glorify God, and to talk utter balls about Scottish independence. I long for simpler times when advocates of separation could be burnt at the stake. Can you give me any comfort in my hour of need?

Martin L.

Johann says:

Ah think Christianity as ah whole is like a library: It’s a good idea bit it’s fu’ o’ weirdos and people bein’ inappropriate in the weans section. Enjoy it while ye can though, because if the NATS go INDY aw yer bibles wull hiv tae be translated intae Gaelic… FACT!… Laters Marty.

Dear Johann,

As we now know, Jimmy Carr is to blame for the UK recession and not years of economic mismanagement by Tories wearing Labour Party hats. Given your inevitable rise to First Minister at the next Scottish election, how do you and Jimmy plan to stimulate growth?

B. Taylor

Johann says:

We aw like tae put a bit aside fur a rainy day but Jimmy Carr’s better prepared than Noah. Hings are lookin’ up noo though as the Tories hiv put Harry Redknapp in cherge o’ the HMRC. As for stimulatin’ growth, me and wee Gordy have hud apprenticeship programmes fur years and aw those wee boys are learnin’ tae play the flute. IF ye’s go INDY, wee Gordy wull take ees ane life!… FACT!

Dear Johann,

I agree with Ed Miliband. Whilst acknowledging the economic, social and cultural benefits of immigration I too would prefer it didn’t involve foreigners. Wouldn’t we be better off if the jobs taken by migrant workers were returned to the British who rejected them in the first place?

O. Mosley

Johann says:

Aye son. If ye go INDY the NATS ur gauny let everybody intae Scotland that kin work oot how many o’ therr bawbees ye get tae a pound… FACT! Except the Greeks, cos therr aw gonnae be butlers for the Germans.

Dear Johann,

Rather than invest £100bn in something useful, I believe this money should be spent on nuclear weapons. When it was announced that an independent Scotland would not benefit from these, I messed my trousers. What exactly would happen to our beloved missiles in the event of so-called separation?

George F.

Johann says:

When a first herd aboot the new missiles ah jumped aff the cherr and yelped ‘GO TRIDENT’ throwing ma wee erms in the err. This didny go doon too well wi wee Eck as it wis durin’ FMQ’s. But ah hear whit yer sayin’ Georgy boy. The Nats hiv a plan tae put them oan Ebay if they get Independence as naebody else wants thum. Bit ah reckon the people o’ Scotland ur no daft. They know we need thum tae tackle back-packers wi’ bombs.

Dear Johann,

I live in the Scottish Borders and unfortunately my bathroom happens to be in England. I imagine there will be dire consequences if, in an independent Scotland, I get caught short. Am I worrying without cause?

D. Mundell

Johann says:

If the NATS go INDY, a big wire fence is tae be built through yer hoose wi a wee gate… FACT! Yer lavvie wull hiv a watter meter as it’s across the border. Ye might hiv tae move the bog intae yer livin’ room and make yer toilet a cupboard.

Dear Johann,

I’m a big fan of your column. When I was captured and taken hostage by terrorists on the fringes of Fallujah I paid one of my captors in Irn Bru to have a letter to you smuggled out. I was distraught and feared for my safety. You were able to reassure me that terrorism is thirsty work and that as long as the Irn Bru didn’t run out I was probably in no danger. I have since converted to Islam and have become a poster child for Stockholm Syndrome, although I have no idea what that is. Thanks again.

Abdul Ali McGraw

Johann says:

Abdul, ah’m delighted tae have been o’ service. I mind showin’ yer story tae Tony Blair but he jist laughed and sed ‘did ye see Terry Waite oan celebrity mastermind? He sed ees specialist subject wis Lebanese radiators.’ … anyhoo… IF Ye’s go INDY the NATS wulny fight anybody again… nae merr wars… NIGHTMERR!

Written by Greg Moodie and Alex Airlie
Follow Johann on Twitter @johann_lament 

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About Greg Moodie and Alex Airlie

Greg Moodie and Alex Airlie bring new meaning to the word ‘miscreants,’ such is the extent of their waywardness. Alex spends far too much time on Twitter as the leader of Scottish Labour whilst Greg believes he’s doing a better job than the actual leader.

There is one comment

  1. Bill fae Denny

    I have just stumbled across “Ask Johann” by accident and am now a committed fan. Absolutely hilarious but so frighteningly realistic. Could it be that Greg Moodie and Alex Airlie are some of those awfy bad bad bad cybernats I hear so much about?

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