Scotland’s Greatest Seer discusses life, politics and stuff.
Greetings friends. July’s been an interesting month and a lorra my predictions have already come to pass.
- We’ve had the barbecue summer I predicted with temperatures reaching a sweltering 15 degrees and blue skies only occasionally interrupted by a month’s rain.
- UK economic growth hit 200% GDP as I predicted, until the decimal point was added.
- House of Lords reform passed with a minimum of fuss, as I said it would, because most of us have decided to hang up our wigs and write Mummy Porn.
Best of all, the Scorrish Government went into meltdown under the stewardship of the wicked vizier Salmond. This delighted me no end as a) I’d long since predicted it and b) I’d rather see Scodland in the cludge than have Lardboy make a decent job of it.
It all started when the Nats revealed plans to ditch their opposition to Nato, something I predicted several months back. Admittedly, what I said was that they would ditch their opposition to Nemo, because they’ve never particularly liked Jules Verne’s ‘Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea’. But both have submarines so it was near enough.
The announcement was extraordinary. What was even more extraordinary was that I used to work for Nato, although again I had it confused with Nemo and kept asking to meet Tintin. Before that, it turns out I was UK defence secretary although I don’t remember anything particularly defensive about the period.
The Nats had the audacity to say they would join Nato on two conditions. 1) That Trident be removed and 2) that I be fitted with a muzzle. I told them I didn’t mind the muzzle because Tony fitted one before, but you’ll need nuclear weapons to get into Nato because they’re all about the nuking.
Now, Iceland were straight on the phone telling me they joined Nato on the condition they wouldn’t be expected to establish so much as a standing army. Then Canada said they didn’t have nukes and were worried in case the Nato folk found out. After that, the phone wouldn’t stop ringing because it turns out 25 of the 28 Nato countries don’t have their own nukes and were in a right state. I said they’d better get cracking and put them onto Tony.
Tony’s back of course, because the Labour Party have cried themselves to sleep every night since he left. One of the papers reported him saying he’d “learned an immense amount” since he stood down. Actually what he said was that he’d “earned an immense amount,” but it looked better the other way.
So friends, to my latest round of predictions for 2013, which I guarantee will come to pass as sure as Tony will eventually be crowned the greatest attention-seeker of all time.
- Scorrish Nationalism will be confined to a shop on the Royal Mile selling tartan teatowels. Only American Mormons will be allowed in and therefore any future spread of the condition will be contained in Salt Lake City, Utah, along with polygamy.
- Alex Salmond will fall into decline and his only public appearances will be as a Rod Stewart tribute act. This will have minimal appeal to former Nationalists but will delight fans of Rod who has suffered his own decline in recent years. I’m personally looking forward to a decent version of ‘Hot Legs.’
- Former Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon will regress to a feral state. She will haunt the Scorrish Borders preying on unsuspecting travellers and making the case for an independent Scodland. She should not be approached unless you happen to like having your ear talked off.
- Jackie Stewart will be elected First Minister and the ruling party will be Tunnocks.
- On an international level, President Assad of Syria will see the error of his ways, hang up his boxing gloves and settle down in Largs.
- The UK will continue its steady economic rise, overtaking China as the world’s greatest superpower. Economic growth will reach 200% GDP and this time we won’t need a decimal point. Later in the year, we will colonise Mars and wrap it in a colossal Union Jack.
- Tony will be elected Pope.
Finally friends, I predict that Bedder Together will be a huge success despite being a gruesome looking bunch. Remember politics is not a beauty contest, even though there was once a Westminster beauty contest where I won the Skelpt Arse prize. Actually the money came in handy. The next day was Tony’s birthday and I bought him an Airfix kit because he gets withdrawal symptoms without his jets. He plays with them in the bath.
For more on Greg Moodie and his satirical fiction, see Tony Boaks’ Despairing Notes – Easily Mistaken For A Funny Blog. Or follow on Twitter @gregmoodie.