Ask Johann – New Recipe!

The exclusive column from Scotland’s best known agony aunt.

Dear Johann,

Normally I wouldn’t leave Glasgow, but my wife tricked me into a day-trip to Edinburgh by saying I had a bottom hernia and that the only known cure was in Jenners department store. The so-called separatist movement were out marching and let me tell you these people haven’t a clue. There wasn’t a bowler hat to be seen! What’s the point?

G. Matheson

Johann says:

Aye son, the NATS widny know a flute fae a tuba, and therr that snoaby they need cellos when they go oan the march. That’s how ye wilny see them march that oaften, cos ther cellos canny keep up. If the NATS go INDY, it’ll be aw cellos – FACT! If ye want tae see the marchin proper, stay in Glasvegas. There’s wan every ten minutes.


Dear Johann,

I read that you are stepping up Scottish Labour Party reforms. Despite one report suggesting rather unkindly that you couldn’t step up a ladder because it involved moving forward, I welcome the news. Is it true that John Smith House, the party’s HQ in Glasgow, is now to be exhumed?

B. Taylor

Johann says:

The archeologists hiv bin in, an therr no right happy. The smell wis brutal. They hid tae take a crowbar tae shift some of the decayed boadies. Ah drove a wedge under the heid o policy but he widny shift, so ah lit a fire under his cherr. It’s aw go.


Dear Johann,

I agree with the findings of the Scottish Affairs Committee and its oaf-chairman, ‘Angry’ Ian Davidson MP – it’s up to a group of grey little men in London to decide the future of Scotland. I mean, surely the separatists should be pleased to get a fair, legal and decisive vote in exchange for David Cameron tampering with it?

J. Wallace

Johann says:

Davo’s the original ‘great chieftain o’ the puddin-race.’ We hid tae take his muzzle aff afore we set him loose. He’s like the Tasmanian Devil. But he done a braw joab after he stoaped foamin at the mooth. Mind now, when he threatens ye wi a doin, he disny mean sexually, so that’s aw right.


Dear Johann,

Having read that Jim Murphy MP is not a unionist and that he simply campaigns to save the union along with other unionists, I was prompted to wonder – is he actually a real person? I mean, if he is not a unionist under these circumstances, it may be that he simply doesn’t exist and is some kind of shape-shifting entity that assumes the characteristics of those closest to him – in this case, Trident-hugging Tories.

N. Harvey

Johann says:

Wee Jimbo, he’s half-daft wi his submarines and his nukes. If the NATS go INDY, the game’s up the poley cos wee Jimbo’ll no let anybody else play wi thum – FACT! An he loves his Better Together. He says tae me ‘should disagreement wi the Tories stoap us campaignin wi them?’ I says ‘whit disagreement?’


Dear Johann,

I believe Scottish food is too poor, too weak and too stupid to survive so-called ‘separation.’ As it is, I’m already having terrible problems with my mince. Regardless of how frequently I stir it, it still turns out watery. How much worse is this likely to be in an independent Scotland?

M. Mackie

Johann says:

If the NATS go INDY, aw yer food wid lose its flavour – FACT! Yer mince wid taste like cardboard and ye’d be as well bilin up yer auld socks cos they’d be more nutritious. If ye wanted a curry ye’d hivty run the gauntlet tae Berwick cos aw the Asians wid hiv relocated on account o the fact that Garam Masala disny grow here.


Dear Johann,

I recently gave up front-line politics to concentrate on pole-dancing. Unfortunately, uncertainty over independence is causing many of my johns to hesitate before tipping. Surely remaining in the UK, with its chronic flat-lining economy and growth forecasts of zero, would be preferable to dealing with this uncertainty, whilst allowing me to continue what I do best?

A. Goldie

Johann says:

Aye hen, weer better aff wi the union so we ur. If the NATS go INDY, wi’ll hivty beg George Osborne just for a swatch o his piggy-bank – FACT! Wi’ll think this wis a golden age. The double-dip recession’ll feel like two weeks in Majorca, thi’ll carve Mervyn King’s face inty the Edinburgh Castle rock, and Alistair Darlin’ll be made a saint.


Dear Johann,

I’m the chairman of the Scottish Affairs Committee, an anti-independence group disguised as a bunch of balloons. After an unfortunate BBC interview, the committee fitted me with a budgie-hood and I am now condemned to silence. I’m thinking of joining the Mars rover because as yet there’s very little competition for intelligent life on the red planet and I would be a king amongst dust particles. Would I still be able to read your column?

I. Davidson

Johann says:

Ah hivty say, Davo, yer takin it awfy well. Ah heard ye’d combusted after the NATS went oan the march. Onyhoo, tae answer yer question, ah’m like the sun. Ah beam everywhere, so ah do. As loang as ye can pit up wi Richard Branson an his space monkeys, yu’ll be fine. An soon we might aw be joinin ye, cos if the NATS go INDY there’ll be a tax oan the err – FACT!

 

Greg Moodie is indebted to Alex Airlie. Fact.

For more on Greg Moodie and his satirical fiction, see Tony Boaks’ Despairing Notes – Easily Mistaken For A Funny Blog. Or follow on Twitter @gregmoodie.

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About Greg Moodie

Greg Moodie is a writer and graphic designer with an impressively ludicrous CV and a poor recollection of anything on it. Technically Dundonian, he says he graduated from the city’s Duncan of Jordanstone College of Art ‘before the invention of fire’ but that, like Vegas, what happened there stayed there. http://www.tonyboaks.com/

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