Alex Salmond’s plans for a nuclear-free Scotland were blown out of the water today when it emerged the new state would need to set up its own apparition extermination department within government.
In an unusual move, Scottish Secretary Michael Moore revealed that the UK uses taxpayers’ cash on a wing of the Secret Service thought to have been defunct for decades.
Mr Moore revealed that, in fact, money was still being pumped into MI16, which was originally formed in 1945 to deal with scientific intelligence.
During a Scottish Affairs committee Mr Moore blasted the Scottish government for forcing Westminster to reveal details due to SNP insistence that nuclear weapons would be removed in the event of a Yes vote.
Mr Moore said:
The simple reality is that the Scottish Government is not being straight with the people of these islands. They say Trident will be ejected from Faslane, and along with it thousands of jobs, making Scotland free of nuclear weapons. This is simply not the case.
“I can confirm to the committee today that MI16 is still in operation, and some of the equipment allocated to the department is nuclear in origin. A separate Scotland will need to set up an equivalent government body. And they’ll have to replicate the hardware without the UK’s assistance because we won’t be sharing any intelligence with them. I mean, they won’t be sharing any with us. I’m Scottish. I must remember that.”
The equipment referred to in the committee is similar to that seen in the United States in the mid-1980s, although they were technically illegal until 1991. The so-called “unlicensed nuclear accelerators” were used in a number of high-profile missions in New York, but the erratic nature of the equipment and lack of experience in using the portable proton packs led to extensive property damage across the city.
Despite this, the White House pumped money into research of the system and it had been rumoured other countries were offered intelligence to create their own version.
In a television interview later Mr Moore added:
These things don’t come cheap in terms of personnel training and protective storage space. Thankfully though the portable packs themselves have a half-life of over 5,000 years so we won’t have a Trident-like replacement review for a good while yet.”
Unionist parties were enraged that Alex Salmond had put UK security at risk with the revelation. Jim Murphy was first to offer his views on Twitter, saying:
Salmond wants to either lie about nuclear weapon use in a separate Scotland, or he wants the place overrun with ghosts. You couldn’t make it up.”
Deputy leader of Scottish Labour Anas Sarwar said:
This is another disastrous day for the SNP. They focus on ludicrous policies such as funding free care for the elderly when, for so many people, living long enough to qualify for free personal care will be hard. People in poverty are more likely to turn into ghosts before they benefit from giveaways, and then must be caught or exterminated by expensive nuclear accelerators that the SNP don’t want you to know about.”
Scottish Conservative Leader Ruth Davidson said:
The First Minister is the keymaster of doom – a giant marshmallow man with a stupid grin trampling all over our great nation. With each new embarrassing story comes more confirmation that Alex Salmond is full of nothing but Eck-toplasm.”
Better Together leader Alistair Darling waded into the row, saying:
This country is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions should Alex Salmond get his way. Old Testament, real wrath of God-type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!
“This is the positive message I will continue to deliver, because I believe Scotland shouldn’t govern itself.”
A spokeswoman for the Scottish Government said:
The UK system of apparition exterminating is expensive, outdated and no use against the advanced tactics of spooks, spectres and ghosts.
“Not that any of this matters – a simple Freedom of Information request by the Scottish Government has found that not one ghost has been spotted, caught or extinguished by the UK government, and not once has a trained specialist even been out in the field with one of these positron colliders. The only thing they’ve tried to extinguish in the last 300 years is Scotland as a legally-recognised region. The SNP stands by its policy of no nuclear weapons in an independent Scotland.”
When asked if bustin’ makes Alex Salmond feel good, the spokeswoman replied:
Of course, but only in the sense of bustin’ the ridiculous scare-a-day nonsense emanating from Westminster.
“Michael Moore would do well to remember whose interests he is supposed to be defending; otherwise he may find himself locked up in the Eck-to Containment Unit in Bute House for a very long time after independence.”