This month in the stars: There are just too many unanswered questions. Cosmic uncertainty means Scots need Westminster’s guidance more than ever.
ARIES. Due to recent changes to the welfare system you might lose some of the income you need to sustain yourself this month. But look on the bright side; we’ve still got 300 years of shared history with the rest of the UK! So when you’re feeling cold or hungry, just remember our glory days of telling the rest of the world what to do. It really is lovely if you think about it.
TAURUS. You might not find a job this month, but it’s okay! Just keep your fingers crossed and maybe one day we’ll get a good government in Westminster. My personal favourites were Thatcher, Blair and Cameron. It’s exciting to think who we might get next. Maybe Ed or Boris!
GEMINI. Make dependency stylish this month by treating yourself to a Better Together cagoule, poncho or pin badge. Show off your ‘UK OK’ as you strut down the street past all the boarded up shops. It’s okay, we’re in the UK!
CANCER. You’ve been leaning towards separatism this month and you need to get your life back on track. Stop worrying about the government and treat yourself to a DVD of the Diamond Jubilee’s best bits. I liked the bit when the Queen had to listen to JLS.
LEO. You like the good things in life and know how to enjoy them. Why not attend a Better Together fundraiser this month in a Chelsea mansion house? It’s only £750 per head and you will be treated to several wonderful speeches by senior members of the Conservative party. Bottoms up!
VIRGO. In 2014 your birthday will fall around the date of the referendum. You need to think carefully about whether or not British traditions like birthday celebrations will continue under independence. You still want cake, don’t you? Personally I like cake.
LIBRA. This month you’re struggling with the cold weather in Scotland. Why not go to London? London has sunshine, jobs, money, culture, power, influence, art. In fact I don’t know why you haven’t moved already. What are you doing?
SCORPIO. This month you really ought to dig out your old record collections and enjoy them whilst you still can. Great British music could be destroyed in a separate Scotland. I think I’d miss One Direction the most.
SAGITTARIUS. You’ve been restless lately and should start thinking about taking up a new hobby. How about stamp collecting? How about playing Monopoly? I like playing Monopoly. I like being the banker and being in charge of everyone’s money. It reminds me how glad I am that Westminster is pulling the purse strings – these guys know what they’re doing.
CAPRICORN. This month you’ve been wondering how you can maintain your privileged position in society. Well you’re in luck, we’re in the UK! Here, have a bonus. Have some diamonds and tiaras, or a duck house for your pond! You deserve it.
AQUARIUS. You’ve been feeling a little insecure lately. But don’t worry; not far from your home is a depository of nuclear weapons, each one several times more destructive than the Hiroshima bomb. So just chill out, okay?
PISCES. A neighbour or a friend will need your help this month and you should make yourself available. The woman in the house round the corner is being pushed towards a Yes vote because of the benefits cuts. You should remind her that people might not even live in houses in a separate Scotland and that she would have to learn how to speak Garlic.
Andrew Redmond Barr