UK Government To Release Their Red, White & Blue Paper

This morning National Collective was sent a draft sample of the ‘Red White and Blue Paper’, a document prepared by both Better Together and the UK Government. It is a planned response to the Scottish Government’s White Paper, to be released in November this year and which will be penned and drafted, in part, by fiction writers and poets.

The Red, White and Blue Paper

Better Together and the UK Government
Joint Response to the SNP Fictional Propaganda White Paper of November 2013

Via the medium of Gangsta Rap

“The Rhyme Minister” D-Cam

Ya, ya, ya, lemme kick it off like this, ya

BOOM! Drop off this nuke

That’s North Korea – what what – Scotland’s now cooked

Tally-ho chaps, North Britain’s a goner

Chin chinity chin, and now I’ve got a boner

No more Labour governments, or so the story goes

My tall tales getting longer than Pinocchio’s nose

Walk away from my bosom and this is what you’re getting

A Scotland so scary your pants will be wetting

If you wore any pants, ha! I know my trivia

Jocks are skirt-wearers; I’m not a divvy, nah

I visit the wilderness a few hours a year

To stand on my subs and confirm all your fears

Without these babies you’ll be ripe for the picking

So while you’re being given a Kim Jong-Un kicking

Us Real Brits will be aiding Sudan and Haiti

But Scotland? Ha! Toodle-pip, my matey!

Before you go, I plea you read this paper with glee

You’ll agree we have the positive case – here’s Mister Ali D!

 –

“The Master of Disaster” Ali D

Look, look, look

RARRRRGH! RARRRRGH! Like a dungeon dragon

I bring the doom like you just can’t imagine

Fear, uncertainty, doubt, no doubt

I big up the UK coz we’ve got the clout

Invading Iraq is what I’m talking about

Wouldn’t touch an indy Scotland cuz we wouldn’t have nowt

Big Al Salmond is a flag-waving lout

I’d debate him to death if he’d step up to the bout

Make him scream and shout, slap a punk in da mout’

Photobomb his fat face and slap da footage on Tout

I’m a crazy head-case with the positive case -

When you desert the ship we’ll annexe the base

When you take a trip you’ll have a foreign face

And when you ditch the Brits you may as well be outer space

UK okay-dokey, that’s good enough for me

Got more high class property than Snoop D-O-Double G

And it’s not just cuz he’s foreign, although that plays a part

They’re just not the same as us, in the head or in the heart

So give all your cash to Westminster, let them dish it out

Coz the way it goes right now my trough is filled up for ma snout

Why change a good thing? We’re four birds of a feather

Whatever the weather, it’s clear we’re Better Together. 

 –

Ready Eddie Miliband

What I say to you is this – we simply can’t be two nations

Or I’d have to half my power with Lamonts’ administration

I can save the Union, Brits are an inspiration

No more segregation, no need for separation

Labour’s got a good foundation; I’ve said it from the top

But in Scotland we’ve got to shield our under-educated props

After there’s a No vote Alex Salmond will be canned

And you can all look forward to the dawn of Johann

Puppet on a string, all my words on her script

But ain’t that simply better than a one-man dictatorship?

Wee Wullie Rennie

I had a turkey at Christmas, it didn’t vote to be eaten

But Scots everywhere will soon be well greeting

If the nats get their way, all our heads will roll

We’ll have no lights, no post, no food, no heating

That’s no scaremongering, that’s just da troof

Ma name’s Wee Wullie Rennie and I ain’t no spoof

I’ve been around the world on the public purse

Using planes, trains, taxis, buses, on the hoof

There’s no time to waste, we’ve got fourteen thousand treaties

But all this distance travelling has made me kinda sleepy

I cannae seem to find the Belgian Congo or Rhodesia

Folk’ll start accusing me of having selective amnesia

We gotta re-negotiate or we’ll end up like Bahrain

Aw jeez, it’s just nae worth it – isn’t paperwork a pain?

Willy Hague

Err, it’s quite clear to see, to me

That this document by the nationalists just isn’t meant to be

Literary? They don’t know the meaning of the word

A government report as fiction? That would be absurd

Our monthly offerings picked apart this separation

And if you don’t believe me, just ask any other nation:

Afghanistan, Antigua, Barbuda, the Bahamas

Australia, Bahrain, Barbados, Belize and Botswana

Brunei, Canada, Cyprus and Dominica

Fiji, The Gambia, Ghana and Grenada

Guyana, Iraq, Ireland, Israel, India

Jamaica, Jordan, Kenya, Kuwait and Malaysia

Lesotho, Malawi, the Maldives and Malta

Mauritius, Myanmar, Nauru and Saint Lucia

Saint Kitts and Nevis, New Zealand, Nigeria

Pakistan, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, South Africa

The Seychelles, Sudan, Sierra Leone, Sri Lanka

The Solomon Islands, Swaziland and Uganda

Tanzania, Trinidad, Tobago, Tuvalu

UAE, the US, Yemen and Vanuatu

Zambia, Zimbabwe, and what can they declare?

They think it’s ludicrous a nation would want to run its own affairs

Word.

“Triple M” Mikey Mundane Moore

So as you can all see, this is our response

Lots of strong evidence wrapped up in nonchalance

For we’ve already won it, your White Paper tells us zip

On dialling codes or postage stamps, it’s nothing but a comic strip

You say we’ll use the pound but I’ll bet a poker chip

Number 10 won’t help the neighbours who have abandoned ship

They’ll make it bloody difficult and this just cannot do

Forget hope – you’ve already got us London Scots to hold it for you!

Booyakasha.

 

Ray McRobbie
National Collective

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About Ray McRobbie

Raymond McRobbie is a journalism graduate, who at the moment writes about various topical issues for anyone who will pay them any attention while figuring out how to use this supposed talent for actual profit. Ray is also an avid thumb-twiddler, and enjoys a nicely-constructed text message.

  • Craig Gallagher

    Wow. Just, wow.

  • thevenusenvy

    WordPress share options pweeeeeeese?

  • DougDaniel

    I’m trying to decide what my favourite line is, but it’s pretty difficult. I think it has to be Ali D’s “debate him to death” and “annexe your base” lines. But I also love the idea of a rapper saying “bloody difficult”.

    Awesome. Just awesome.

    The irony is, if they actually went on stage and performed this rap, they’d stand a better chance of winning than they currently do.