David Greig: The Yes/No Plays

The Yes/No Plays are an ongoing Twitter drama which began, by accident, in December 2013.

Clock ticks

Yes: Looks like it might be a nice day.

Clock ticks


Yes: Shall we go a trip to the seaside?
No: There’ll be nowhere to park.


Yes: Shall we go a walk?
No: No.


Yes: I was thinking we should join a gym.
No: No.
Yes: Why not?
No: Your heart.
Yes: What’s wrong with my heart.
No: You never know.


No has lit a fire.
No looks at fire.


Yes enters.

Yes: Fire.
No: Fire.
Yes: Cosy.
No: Cosy.

Yes looks at fire.
No looks at fire


Yes: Come on!
No: What?

Kicks off slippers.

Yes: Why don’t we just put a record on and dance by the fire?
No: I’m fine.


Yes: Give us a kiss.
No: Germs.


No sits.
Clock ticks.

Yes: That’ll be that then.
No: That’ll be that.

Yes closes curtains.
Yes sits
Clock ticks.


Breakfast

Yes: I see Norway’s bought a shower.
No: We don’t need a shower.
Yes: A shower though.
No: Shower. Jacuzzi. Pool. Madness.


Yes: I’ve been thinking –
No: No.
Yes: I was reading a –
No: No.
Yes: I thought –
No: No.
Yes: But –
No: No.
Yes: –
No: No.


Yes: Look at you.
No: What?
Yes: In your chair. By the fire. Cosy.
No: …
Yes: I love seeing you cosy, in your chair.
No: You want to take my chair.


No: Where you going?
Yes: Out.
No: Where?
Yes: Nowhere…
A Poetry Slam.
No: (sigh)
Yes: You could come.
No: No.


Door shuts
Clock ticks
No opens curtain.
A moment.
No closes curtain.
No switches on telly.
Strictly is on

No: (sigh)

No sits.


Clock ticks.

No: Past nine.

Poetry
Idiots
Beards
Orgy

Clock ticks.


Breakfast

No: Good night?
Yes: Amazing!
No: Hungover?
Yes: Wee bit.
No: That’s what it’ll be like after independence.


No: Porridge?
Yes nods


No: Who you phoning?
Yes: The BBC.
No: To complain?
Yes: No, I’m voting for Andy Murray.
No: Good.
Yes: I love Andy Murray.
No: So do I.


Yes: Andy believes in himself. He doesn’t kow tow to the establishment. Andy makes things happen. And he loves his mum…. (sigh)


No: The thing about Andy is, he’s pragmatic. He’s a professional. Some people say he’s boring. Not me. And he won gold for Team GB… (sigh)


No offers shortbread.

Yes: He’s a Yes! / No: He’s a No!

No grips shortbread, hard.

Yes: He’s undecided!

No lets go.
They dunk.


Yes: Andy won. That shows we can be independent.
No: If we’re independent we’ll never win anything ever again.
Yes: No change there then.


Yes: What’s wrong?
No: You’ve got all your cool new friends. I’ve only got Chris Hoy.
Yes: Chris Hoy’s cool.
No: No he’s not.


Yes: Where you going?
No: Cycle round the block.
Yes: In those shorts?
No: Chris said I should wear them.
Yes: Not with your simmet.


Yes: Do you want a jacket?
No: Is it team GB?
Yes: No.
No: I only want a team GB jacket.
Yes: To go with your team GB shorts?
No: Yes.


Yes: Have fun.
No: I will.
(Door shuts)

Yes looks out the window.

No: (off) Hi Chris!

Yes: Stabilisers
Bless.


Yes: Where’s my Lesley Riddoch book.
No: I burned it.
Yes: What?
No: In the woodstove.
Yes: Why?
No: It was giving you ideas.


Yes: I can’t believe you did that?
No: Lesley Riddoch Schmesly Diddoch.
Yes: Did you even read it?
No: Room’s warm. Is than not enough?


Light flickers.
No warms hands.
Yes stares at the flames.

Yes: And the white paper?

No nods.

Yes: Alan Bisset?

No nods.

Clock ticks.


Yes stands.

Yes: That’s it.
I’m off to buy a kindle.

Door slams.

No: Madness.

Clock ticks.


Breakfast

No: Cinnamon on your porridge?
Yes: Yes.
No: Is that what they do in ‘Norway’?
Yes: (sigh)
No: Madness.

Clock ticks


No looks out of the window.

No: Hole in the road. Someone should do something. No one will. Bastards.

Yes: We could –

No: No.


Yes rubs temples.

No: Headache?
Yes: A bit.
No: Dizzy.
Yes: Mmm.
No: You reading Gerry Hassan again?

Yes nods

No: Madness.


Breakfast

No: How was your meeting?
Yes: Great! It was full! We’d the slam poets, and fiddlers and a lady who’s an expert in epidemiology..


(2 hours later)
Yes: …and a green guy who was fascinating about tidal energy potential with crown estate land! How was yours?
No: Fine.


Yes: Good turnout?
No: Mm.
Yes: Who came?
No: Mrs Greaves. Two men from the lodge and a man in tights.
Yes: Early days.
No: Early days.


Yes: Was Mrs Greaves really looking for the book club?
No: Yes.
Yes: The man in tights?
No: Yoga.
Yes: Still.
No: (sigh)

Clock ticks.


No: Tree.
Yes: Lovely.
No: Phew…I thought you might want a wind turbine or something.
Yes: No.
No: Shall we decorate?
Yes: Yes.

They do.


Yes: Lovely.
No: Lovely.

Yes puts a fairy on top of the tree.

No: That’s Nicola Sturgeon isn’t it.
Yes: Yes.
No: (sigh)


By the stove

Yes: (sings) It’s Christmastime… There’s no need to be afraid…

No: No need to be afraid?
Yes: Yes.
No: Madness


No: (sings) O little town of Bethlehem how still we see thee lie…
Yes: Still?
No: Yes.
Yes: lack of investment in infrastructure.


No shouts out of window.

No: Doomed! We’re all doomed!
Yes: What you doing?
No: It’s my social media strategy.

Yes puts on headphones.


2 hours later…

No: Doomed! Doomed! Doomed!
Yes: Must you?
No: I want to win a visit from Alasdair Darling.


Yes: Who’s your leader?
No: Alasdair Darling.
Yes: I like it when you say his name.
No: Why?
Yes: It means you call me darling.
No: (sigh)


Yes: Which is better? A poo or Alasdair Darling?
No: I’m not falling for it.
Yes: It’s a poo.
No: It’s Alasdair Darling!
Yes: Yes, darling.


By the stove

No looks at the fire.
Yes looks at the fire.

Tree twinkles.

Clock ticks.


Yes: Are we…all right?
No: All right?
Yes: Yes.

A moment

No: I think so… Do you think so?

A moment.

Yes: Yes.
No: Good.


Yes: Did you change the tree fairy to Johann Lamont?
No: Yes.
Yes: (sigh)

Tree twinkles
Clock ticks
Snow falls


No: You’re very quiet.
Yes: Our author’s gone to Iceland.
No: Why?
Yes: Elves, Bjork, social democracy.
No: Was this your idea?

Yes nods.


No: Iceland.

The beer’s really expensive. It’s dark all the time and freezing.

That’s what it will be like after independence.


Yes eats porridge.
No eats porridge.

Yes: Elves though.

Tree twinkles.


No: Why’s it dark?
Yes: Shh. We’re not in!
No: Why?
Yes: James Macmillan’s coming round to sing christmas carols again.

No hides.


Darkness.
Still.

No: Is it just him singing and hitting the tins again?
Yes nods.
No: Confessions of Isobel Gowdie?
Yes nods.

Clock ticks.


Yes: Is he gone?
No: Yes.
Yes: I actually quite enjoyed that.
No: Bracing.
No: Susan Boyle?
Yes: Just this once.

CD on.
Tree twinkles.


Going out

Yes: Kilt?
No: Yes.
Yes: Nice.
No: I’m a proud Scot.
Yes: What’s underneath?

No lifts kilt.

No: Team GB thong.
Yes: (sigh)


No: What you wearing?
Yes: My new National Collective t-shirt!
No: (to self) shmashional shmollective
Yes: What?
No: Didn’t say anything.


Yes: Do you really not want to be independent?
No: Yes.
Yes: Really?
No: Yes.
Yes: Really really really?
No: Yes.
Yes: That’s so annoying.


In the car
Yes drives.

No: Why you going this way?
Yes: Quicker, less fuel, and we can stop by the farm shop for tablet.
No: Madness.


Telly on

Yes: Foodbanks.
No: I know.
Yes: Awful.
No: Quite.
Yes: I just want things to be better!
No: I just want them not to be worse.


No: It’s not Indy! Stop calling it Indy! It’s not cool or trendy it’s politics and politics is supposed to be BORING!
Yes: (sigh)


No: What you doing?
Yes: Tweeting about Gramsci with Pat Kane…yes!
No: What?
Yes: Got a retweet off Eddie Reader!

Clock ticks.


Wind howls
Porridge simmers
Stove flickers
Tree twinkles
Yes giggles
iPhone glows
No reads a biography of Sebastian Coe.


Mistletoe

Yes: What did David Cameron say to the head of Better Together?
No: Merry Christmas Darling?
Yes: You too darling.

Kiss


Yes: (unwraps) 100 Windfarms to See Before You Die! Thanks Santa!
No: (unwraps) GPS?
Yes: It’s controlled from London.
No: Thanks Santa!


At the table

Yes: I love Christmas
No: So do I.
Yes: I was thinking, next year we could –
No: No.

No blows party hooter.


Yes: Hic.
No: Shh!
Yes: Grumpy.
No: Queen’s Speech!
Yes: (mumbles) That’ll be gone after Indy.
No: What!?
Yes: Nothing. More sherry?


Yes: I hate these inbetweeny days. Nothing to do but eat pies, and reflect on the past.
No: That’s what it’ll be like after independence.


No: I have a joke.
Yes: ?
No: We need more humour in the debate.
Yes: Oh.
No: Do you want to hear my joke?

Yes nods.
No opens joke book.


No: An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar –
Yes: Is this going to be racist?
No: No.
Yes: OK
No: I’ve lost my page…


No: An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar…
Yes: And the Irishman says ‘I love being independent!’
No: Shut up!


No: An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar –
Yes: And the Englishman changes the Barnett formula!
No: Stop it!


No: An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman –
Yes: No Welshman?
No: –
Yes: Why are they all men?
No: –
Yes: Are they proud?
No: (sigh)


3 hours later.

No: Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman says ‘Why the big paws!’Ha ha!…
Wrong punchline?

Yes nods.


Yes: You know what’s funny?
No: No?
Yes: Your bum.
No: Your bum.
Yes: Your bum.
No: Your bum

For many hours.
Tree twinkles.


Watching TV

No: I love Abba.
Yes: So do I.
No: You know, Abba toured Fife in 1963.
Yes: That was the Beatles.
No: Still.
Yes: Still.


Yes: Why can’t we have Abba? Sweden get to have Abba AND social democracy.
If we were independent we could have our own Abba.
No: (sigh)


Yes puts on Abba
Drinks sherry

Yes: Wee bop?
No: No.
Yes: C’mon.
No: No.
Yes: That’s not very ‘better together’!
No: …ok.

They dance.


Music plays.

Yes: Us!
No: Yes.
Yes: Dancing!
No: Yes.
Yes: This is what it’ll be like after independence!

Yes knocks over lampshade.


Music ends.
Yes and No in a heap on the floor.
Yes giggles.
A moment.

Yes: Hic.

They disentangle.
Sit.

No: Madness.

Tree twinkles.


No enters, sways.

Yes: Pub?
No: Maybe.
Yes: Drunk?
No: Bit.
Yes: Why you smiling?
No: I made a friend.
Yes: Friend?

Door opens slowly…


Man enters, bootlace tie.

Man: Kiss? No Kiss? Whev’s baby.

Makes finger gun, shoots.

Man: I’m easy!
No: Isn’t he great?

Yes stares.


Man: Givin’ it this! Givin it that!

Swivels hips.

Man: Can’t pin me down!
Yes: …
No: Meet Devo Max!
Yes: He’ll have had his tea.


By the stove

Yes: So, Dave…
Max: Devo.
No: Max.
Max: Max, Devo, Call me Hot Buns –
whevs, I’m easy.
No: Isn’t he great!
Yes: (sigh)


Breakfast

Yes: Porridge?
Max: Yeah baby.
Yes: Cinnamon or Salt?
Max: Either, neither, whevs.

Makes finger gun, shoots.

Max: I’m easy!


Devo Max puts on sunglasses.

Max: Milkin’ it, stirrin’ it… Lovin’ the porridge, baby.

Yes: (whispers) Is he staying?
No: Hope so!


By the stove
No & Devo Max drink lager
Chris Rea on cd

Yes: It’s late.
No: So?
Yes: Bed?
No: Bed – no bed – whev’s baby!

Max giggles.


Yes sits

Yes: So Dave, what exactly is it you do?
Max: Me?
Yes: You.
Max: I’m a diamond in the cornflakes baby.

Sunglasses off, winks.


Yes: Can you be more specific?
Max: Baby, I move it and I shake it, I swing it like I sing it. I’m Devo!

Swivels hips.

No: He’s great!


Yes: I’m going to bed.
Max: Stay!

Offers can.

Max: We’re gonna talk dirty ’bout federalism. Rrrr.

Catspaw.
No giggles.
Yes leaves.


The Bells

Jackie Bird: Happy New Year!
Yes: Happy New Year (kiss)
No: Happy New Year (kiss)
Max: Schwing!
Yes: No tongues.

Fireworks


Yes: (sings) Let’s hope it’s a good one, without any fear.
No: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that.
Yes: …
No: Joke.

They kiss


Breakfast
Yes eats porridge.
Suddenly, a whimper.
Yes stops.
Again, a whimper.
Yes looks under the table.

Yes: Devo Max!

Max wails.


Yes: What are you doing under the table Devo Max?
Max: Hiding.
Yes: Why?
Max: Nobody loves me.
Yes: What?
Max: They say! They only say!


Yes: Everybody loves you Devo Max – you’re easy!

Yes swivels hips.

Max: They say they love me but NO ONE EVER COMMITS

Max wails.


Yes cradles Devo Max.

Yes: Willie Rennie loves you.
Max: Does he? Really?
Yes: I think he really does.
Max: (sadly) Schwing.


No at window.

Yes: Devo gone?

No nods, sad.

Yes: He’ll be back.
No: Hope so.

Makes finger gun, shoots

No: He’s easy!
Yes: (sigh)


Yes at window.

No: Removal van?
Yes: New neighbours.
No: Nice?
Yes: A couple.

Yes fingers campaign literature

Yes: (whispers) All mine.


Door opens.

Yes: Hello!
No: We’re neighbours!
Yes: Tea?
No: We brought biscuits.
Yes: Garibaldis
No: And Bourbon Creams!

Man stares


Yes: Garibaldis honour the freedom fighter and nationalist Giuseppe Garibaldi.
No: While my creams honour the noble Bourbon monarchy.


No: Consider, though, the way, in a Bourbon cream, fondant and biscuit are ‘better together’ in an enduring and successful Union!


Yes: Garibaldi’s raisins represent the many distinct identities bonded in a non hierarchical pancake by the biscuity glue of Scotland!


Yes: So, sir, which is it to be?
No: Bourbon?
Yes: Or Garibaldi?

Biscuits proffered
Man hesitates…

Man: I’m undecided.

Yes: (gasp)


Man: I need more information.
Yes: um..
No: er..
Man: The quality of this debate is terrible!

Slams door

Yes: Soft Yes.
No : Coy No.


By the stove

Yes: Sh, can you hear them?
No: Who?
Yes: The Undecided.

Low thumps
Muffled voices
Laughter

Yes: What are they doing?


They make leaflets

Yes: Done.
No: Let’s see

Yes shows

No: The Undecided don’t want a Poetry Slam!
Yes: It’s got a Mogwai
No: (sigh)


Yes: Let’s see your leaflet, then?

No shows, proud.

Yes: ‘100 Wrong Things About Scotland’?
No: Hosted by The Krankies!
Yes: (sigh)


Door opens
Yes shows leaflet.

Yes: Poetry Slam, madam?
Woman: What are the variables?
Yes: Er –
Woman: I’m undecided!

Slams door


Door opens

No: Get Kranky with the Krankies, sir?
Man: What will it mean for pensions?
No: Er –
Man: I’m undecided!

Slams door


Door closed

No: Undecideds are wierd.
Yes: She didn’t even want a Mogwai!

Door opens
Hand comes out
Takes leaflet
Slams door
Laughter


No: You wouldn’t enjoy them, they’re terrible.
Yes: (sigh)


By the stove

Low thumps
Muffled voices
Laughter

Yes eats Garibaldi
No eats Bourbon Cream

Muffled music: You Sexy Thing

Clock ticks


Muffled squeal
No winces

Yes: I’m starting to wonder if The Undecideds are even thinking about this referendum AT ALL!

Clock ticks


No: Ahh Cab Drivers! Men of sense!
Yes: Could be women.
No: Women cabbies?
Yes: Yes.
No: Madness.


Bell rings
No goes
A folded note on the doormat
No opens note

‘Strategy Meeting, Tomorrow, Blackford Hill. Bring Sangwiches. A x’


By the stove

No: (to self, quiet) ‘A’ could be Alastair Carmichael or Anas Sarwar? But a kiss?
Yes: Mm?
No: Nothing!

Hides note in simmet


In Bed
Yes reads Zizek

No: (quiet, to self) Wendy Alexander?

Yes puts book down

Yes: Night Darling
No: Night

Light off

No: !


Blackford Hill
Alistair Darling on a bench
Binoculars
No approaches

No: Mr Darling?
AD: Shh!
No: What?
AD: Warbler

Points
A bird
Breeze.


Blackford Hill

No: The new strategy, Mr Darling. Celebribombing? I was wondering, what about Chris Rea?
AD: Tit.

Points
A bird
Breeze


Blackford Hill

No: The Nolans? Bruce Forsyth… ‘Nice to Keep You to Keep you Nice’… or Zammo… Zammo from Grange Hill?

Breeze


Blackford Hill

No: (Dances) ‘Don’t listen to anyone else, all you gotta do is be yourself. Just say No. NO!’

Star jump
Breeze


Blackford Hill

AD: Did you bring sangwiches?
No: Cheese.
AD: Let’s see?

No opens Sir Chris Hoy lunchbox

AD: Mine are paste.

Breeze


Blackford Hill

AD: Paste is best. Definitely paste. Not cheese. No cheese please…
No: (sigh)
AD: Shag?
No: ?

Points
A Bird
Breeze


Blackford Hill

AD: Paste’ll Do!
No: Right
AD: That’s the slogan.
No: …
AD: The new strategy.
No: Paste?
AD: Who’s comatose now!?

Breeze


AD: Paste’ll Do! For me and you!
No: (sigh)


Porridge

Yes: Good strategy meeting?
No: Mm.
Yes: Buzzy?
No: Bit.
Yes: Lots of new ideas to really SELL the union?
No: More salt?


Yes: You lot must be FIZZING with plans to REINVIGORATE the UK! COMMUNITY democracy? CITY REGIONS? Devo?

No: Do you like paste?


No: Meat Paste.
Yes: …
No: Sticks disparate breads together.
Yes: …
No: Makes a reliable piece.
Yes: …
No: We’re fizzing!


No has new badge

No: Paste’ll Do!
Yes: …
No: Imagine Chris Hoy holding up a sandwich.
Yes: …
No: We need a new slogan.

Yes nods.


No: What you doing?
Yes: Potato print bunting for the Yes Yurt.
No: …
Yes: At the Yestival Festival?
No: …
Yes: You could –
No: No


No reads bunting

No: ‘Work! As if you were in the early days of a better nation.’
Yes: It was quite hard to carve that into a potato.


Kitchen
Paint

Yes: ?
No: I finally realised! No is the opposite of Yes! So our slogan has to be opposite to yours! See?

Holds up Potato


No: ‘Get By! As If You’re in The Last Days of A Worsening Nation’
Yes: …
No: I’m printing it on these babygrows.
Yes: Those are pants.


By Radio

Yes: What’s up?
No: My new potato print underwear advert! They’re about to play it. Mr Darling’s going to be chuffed!

Radio on


On Radio

No: If you love Britain, why not wear No pants? Alistair Darling wears No pants. And (deep voice) so do I.
Yes: …

No beams.


Alasdair Darling’s House
Radio on

No: Better Together!
Choir: (sing) No Pants! We’ve got No pants!

AD: Grrr…

Switches off radio.


Porridge
Yes reads Scotsman

Yes: Aargh! fck…ffack!

Throws paper at No
Bangs head on table

No: Reading Brian Wilson again?

Yes moans


No puts Radio on

Radio: …Jim Naughtie talking today to Prof Gallagher of Better To-

Yes: Argfckackah!

Throws radio out of window


No: It’s ok. How about –

Switches TV on
BBC Parliament

Yes: fkghargh!

Grabs Chris Hoy lunchbox

No: Not the – !

Throws
TV dies


Yes stares out of window
No tidies broken glass

No: Don’t suppose you want to watch that download of I Love My Country on the iPad?…


Yes at window
No enters.

No: It’s been hours.
Yes: …
No: You’ve hardly spoke.
Yes: …
No: Or ate.
Yes: …
No: What’s wrong?
Yes: You!


Yes: You patronise me, you belittle my ideas and my aspirations, you impugn my motives, you mock, block, threaten, wheedle and sulk!
No: ?


Yes: And if I find a glimmer of hope in the ash pile then you jump on it and stamp it out with your damp negativity.

No: No I don’t.


No: Is this maybe low blood sugar?
Yes: NO!
No: Have a Bourbon Cream.
Yes: Shove your Bourbon Creams up your –
No: What DO you want then?


Yes: I JUST WANT TO LIVE IN AN INDEPENDENT COUNTRY!
No: Can we unpack the idea of independence –
Yes: No! Let’s not unpack it. Let’s be it.


Yes: We’ve all the easy bits of being a country like football or haggis or Aly Bain but we don’t have POWER or RESPONSIBILITY!
No: (sigh)


No: We have the best of both worlds.
Yes: Two bum cheeks on different chairs!
No: That’s so simplistic.
Yes: It’s so simple.

Yes slams door


No at bedroom door

No: Are we having a row?

Yes throws duvet out.

No: (sigh)

Yes throws bourbon cream at No

No: Ow.

Clock ticks


No at door

No: Apparently we’ve been dramatised on Canadian Radio.
Yes: Go away!
No: Shall we listen together?
Yes: Just tweet me the link.


No: Have you got a pen?
Yes: Just say it. I’ll remember it.
No: ok it’s … http://bit.ly/1eL0MGU
Yes: What?
No: I said-

Yes takes phone


No at bedroom door
Laughter

No: What? What?
Yes: (from inside) They’ve caught you very well!
Actor : (from inside) Madness!

No: (sigh)


No: It’s terrible!
Yes: It’s a great example of Scottish internationalism!


Tesco Cafe
No & Alastair Darling

No: Won’t let me in the bedroom, communicates by tweet… I don’t know what to do.

AD stares at trolleys


No: I almost think it might be that the whole independence thing is real? You know? Not just a thing to annoy Labour?

AD stares at trolleys


No: I wondered about floating some ideas, you know, like say, decentralisation?
AD: Lark?
No: Could be fun yes.
AD points
No: Oh, a bird


AD: Paste.
No: …
AD: Offer a paste sangwich
No: I tried but –
AD: Now there’s new paste. Fish. Try fish!
No: …
AD: Paste’ll do!


The Hall
No on floor

No: (to door)…I don’t mean to be negative…I do like things…it’s just I like how things are…

Swigs whisky


No: (to door)…I like Question Time from…Nantwich…and green motorway signs…and Brit Pop…and remembering The War!

Salutes


No: (to door)…and the Fountains Abbey tea room…and film adaptations of Graham Greene…and having CLOUT! (Punches wall) …oww…


No: (to door)..and Wales and Jessica Ennis…why can’t we just pool our resources in…say…a union for social justice!


No: (to door)…lovely Jess…lovely jumpy Jess…(swigs whisky)

Silence

No: You asleep?

Silence
No opens door
The bedroom is empty


In The Yes Yurt
Yes with Steven Noon

SN: What sort of porridge are you using?
Yes: Cinnamon.
SN: Nordic Cinnamon… hmm…

Rubs chin


In The Yes Yurt

SN: Have you tried my new ‘Positive Porridge?’
Yes: No, what is it?

Noon offers spoon

Yes: Mmm… it’s delicious!


Yes: What’s in Positive Porrige?
SN: Bran, wheatgrass, and pulped copies of The Common Weal – it’s guaranteed to soften the hardest No.


Yes eats positive porridge

Yes: Does it work?
SN: I spiked Gordon Browns baps with it last week. Now he’s gone Devo Max!

Yes licks spoon


SN: Now, look at that opinion poll again.
Yes: Don’t knows up!
SN: So?
Yes: No vote’s soft!
SN: So?
Yes: We can win!
SN: Positive porridge!


Breakfast

No: Nice porridge.
Yes: Mm.
No: Different?
Yes: Just salt.
No: Liking your new Jimmy Reid snood.
Yes: (to self) Go porridge!


No does dishes

Radio: This is James Naught-
No: No!

Retunes

Radio: (song) I would walk 500 miles!
No: (sings) and I would walk 500 more!


No jigs

Radio: Ladidadah!
No: Ladidadah!

Hip swivel

No: La da umdiddlyumdiddly umdiddlyumdiddly ah!

Baton-twirls the porridge spurtle


No scrawls notes

Yes: What you doing?
No: Business plan. Practical neck wear for smart Scots politicos – Holyrood Snoods!

Shows diagram


No has sketches

No: The Maxton Buff! The Hardie Hoodie! The SIr David and Judy Steel Pashmina! Put them on Etsy! Advertise on twitter!


No: The Annabel Goldie Looking Chain!

No shows drawing, proud.

Yes: How much porridge did you have this morning?
No: 3 bowls!
Yes: Ah.


Paper everywhere

No: (groan)
Yes: I think it’s wearing off.
No: Everything’s terrible!
Yes: It’s worn off.

Snood ideas glow in firelight


The Undecideds

Her: Porridge or Cereal?
Him: um..
Her: erm..
Her: Let me see..
Him: I want..
Her: ooh..
Him: eeh..
Her: it’s so hard!


Breakfast
Yes & No at porridge
Low voices

‘Let me see’
‘I want’
‘ooh’
‘eeh’
‘it’s so hard!’

No: Undecideds are at it again.
Yes: (sigh)


The Undecideds

Her: Sofa’s come.
Him: Where’ll we put it?
Her: er..
Him: Here?
Her: oh..
Him: D’you like it here?
Her: ooh..

Moves sofa


By the stove
From next door, thumps and low voices

‘I like it there’
Grunt
‘No there’
Creak
‘I’m hot now’

No: I wish I was undecided.


By stove

‘It’s too big’
Grunt
‘Shoogle it in’
Squeak

Yes slaps wall

Yes: Oi! Cut it out! Some of us have to canvass in Cowdenbeath!


Yes knits dreamcatcher, smiling.

Yes: Just thinking… it’s nice knowing you’re on the right side.
No. It is, isn’t it.
Yes& No: (sigh)


Yes: The other side is so-
No: Backward looking –
Yes: and narrow minded.
No & Yes: Yes!
Yes: But not us.
No: We’re great.


Yes: The Undecided’s are very quiet.
No: Probably looking at the Cowdenbeath election literature.
Yes: That’ll be it.
No: That’ll be it.


Evening

Yes adds mini wind turbines to her dreamcatcher.

No makes badges saying ‘Paste’ll Do!’

Stove light glows.
Clock ticks.


By stove

No: Studying my election leaflets, eh?
Yes: mm. (giggles)

No looks.

No: You’ve drawn a cock and balls on Alastair Darling!


No: I’m outraged!
Yes: Your outrage outrages me!
No: I’ll tweet it!
Yes: I’ll screenshot your tweets!
No: I’ll podcast!
Yes: I’ll call Kaye!


No: I’ll write an article for the Scotsman!
Yes: I’ll mock it!
No: It’s the politics of hate!
Yes: It’s the death throes of Ukania!


No sticks tongue out
Yes turns back to No
Yes pulls down jeans.
Moons.

No: At last! The veil is drawn back on the dark heart of Yes!!
Collapse


Yes: Sorry.
No: I’m sorry too.

They return to stove, sit

Yes: Politics of Hate?
No: Yes.
Yes: Weren’t they a band in the 80’s?


Yes: The veil is drawn back on the dark heart of Yes?
No: Album by Marillion.
Yes: Thought so.

Yes: Wonder which side Fish’s on?


By stove
No googles on phone

No: Fish is a No.
Yes: oh.

No: (to self) Yes!
Secret fist pump

Yes: (to self) Phew!
Secret fist pump.


By the stove
No: Do you really think independence would work?
Yes: Yes.
No: But deep down you know as well as I do – we’re pish.


No: We’re pish at parliament building, football, being Norwegian… all the stuff we want to be good at – we’re pish at.
Yes: Tennis.


No: Admit it, we’re pish.
Yes: I don’t admit it.
No: Admit it!
Yes: We’re not pish.

No: Really?
Yes: Really.

No: You’re weird.


Polling Place 6am
Yes and No wear rosettes.
Fox sniffs bin
Crisp packet blows across empty car park
Yes: Democracy.
No: Aye.
Wind, rain.


No opens Tupperware

No: Porridge?
Yes: No thank you.
No: ?
Yes: I have a flapjack.

Shows

Yes: Acai & Nutmeg
No: Madness!

Wind, rain


Polling Place
Voter approaches

Yes: Morning
No: Morning
Voice: Slut!
Voter: …?
No: Ukip. Behind the bins

Voter shudders.
Wind. Rain.


Yes groans.

No: What you doing?
Yes: Writing my speech for the Burns Supper in the Yes Yurt tonight. I’m comparing Scotland to a haggis.


Yes orates.

Yes: Why Is Scotland Like a Haggis?
No: Because it’s offal?

No slaps thigh.
Yes straight face.

Yes: Negative. Typical.


No: No, it really is offal.
Yes: Always talking Scotland down.
No: An offal mix –
Yes: A proud DIVERSITY!
No: Scrag end –
Yes: How dare you!


Yes: The noble haggis! Friend to the Chorizo! Surprisingly all right considering what’s in it! The Haggis IS SCOTLAND!
No: (sigh)


No: The meat is offal.
Yes: As a matter of fact, in the Yes Yurt we will be having a vegetarian Haggis.
No: (smirks)
Yes: What you doing?


No: I’m ironing my kilt. I’m giving the toast To The Lassies in the Masonic Hall Tonight: ‘I Love Lassies Who Say No!’
Yes: (smirk)


Yes: I’ll put my Yes Burns Supper ticket here, by the oats.
No: Good idea. I’ll put my No Burns Supper Ticket there too.

Tickets by oats.


Playing fields, night.
No looks at ticket.

No: This is the address but that doesn’t look like the Masonic hall…

Tent.
Drumming.
Torches


No walks towards tent.
A woman leaps out at him.

Woman: Feel the power of my Ginga!
No: (Gasp)

Woman capers
Fire flickers
Drums pound


Woman: Didnae mean to scare ye, hun. Just practicin ma Capoeira for the Toast tae the Genderqueer later on (offers spliff) I’m Radical Cindy


No: (unsure) I’m No.
RC: Yo No!
No: Is this –
RC: Rockin’ an ironic kilt there N-Diddy!
No: – the Burns supper?
RC: Better than that!


RC: This is the Burning Man Burns Supper of Love!
No: !?
RC: Veggie haggis a go go. Get into the Yes Yurt and carve yourself a spoon.


Radical Cindy pulls No into the Yes Yurt.
Drums, flames.

No: (to self) Wrong ticket!

Man hands out National Collective T-Shirts

No: Nooo!


Masonic Hall
Kilted men
Ladies in gowns and tartan sashes
A harpist plays

Yes: But – ?

Lady swishes by, hisses

Lady: No Sash? (tuts)


Liveried page strikes a bronze gong.

Page: Please be seated!

All sit
Long table, crisp white cloth.
Yes uncertain
Man in tweeds approaches


Man: This is ghastly.
Yes: ?
Man: Dessicated party secretaries, village elders and dull wives. Reminds me of my time in Kawbul (shudders)


Man: Not you, of course.

Takes Yes’s hand, kisses it.

Man: You’re intriguing.
Yes: ?
Man: (smiles) and I think you’re seated next to me…


Man: Sorry, intro needed! Sir Rory Sutherland Skye Lochaber Linwood No More. But chums call me Rory, Rory the Tory. Shraz?

He pours wine.


Rory: Nice teesh. Reminds me of Nepal. Teaching Ghurkas to read Homer in the Greek. Great lads, Ghurkas. Brave, wise, sexy. Like the Scots!


Rory: So, what brings a mysterious muse like you to this municipal mausoleaum of No? Art? Love?
Yes: Excuse me – got – to –

Yes runs to loo


Masonic Hall
Candlelight

Page: Please all stand for the Haggis.

All stand.
From lavatories, just audible

Yes: Nooo!

Piper plays pipes.


The Yes Yurt
Bhangra version of Ae Fond Kiss
No dances wildly with Radical Cindy

RC: Taps aff N-Diddy! Taps aff!

No unbuttons formal shirt


No naked from the waist up, spins
Drums pound
Flames flicker
Kilt rises & reveals:
Chris Hoy Face-Thong
All: (gasp)
No: I can explain…


Masonic Hall

Rory: Tell me MORE about felting.
Yes: Well –
Rory: Wait, this Cabernet is exquisite.

Pours

Yes: I’m a radical felter so…


Music Stops
All stare at No.

RC: Well?
No: Freedom!

No takes off Chris Hoy Face-Thong
No throws it to crowd.
Radical Cindy kisses No.


Rory: Look, Yes, you fascinate me. These Better Together bores are so dull. What say you and I walk in the woods and discuss devolution?


No stumbles out of the Yes Yurt.
Radical Cindy pushes No to the mud.

RC: OK N-Dogg! Lie back and think of an Independent Scotland.
No: Yes!


Radical Cindy puts hand on No’s chest.

RC: Is that a panic in thy breastie?
No: No!
RC: Are you a timorous beastie?
No: No!

Drums pound.


Woods nr. the Masonic Hall
Yes lies on dewy grass
Rory reads Homer

Rory: ‘Everything is more beautiful
because we’re doomed..’
Yes: (sigh)


Wind in the woods
Star flecked sky
Harp plays
Rory holds Yes’s waist.

Rory: Better Together?
Yes: I could be persuaded.

Rory kisses Yes.


The Village
Flames flicker
Bhangra pounds
Sashed women wobble, drunk, to taxis
Men sing poems
Bodies lie entwined in the dark.
Burns Night


Porridge

Yes: Morning.
No: Morning.

Yes: Head?
No: Head.

No: Last night…
Yes: Last night…

Yes’s hand tightens on spurtle…


Yes: Silly mix up!
No: Silly mix up!
Yes: Tickets!
No: Tickets!
Yes:Jings!
No: Jings!

Porridge bubbles

Yes: …Quite the kerfuffle…


Yes: Fun?
No: Fun? No, well just the usual.
Yes: The usual.
No: Burns!
Yes: Some on my bum from the… no, not really no.

No’s eyes narrow


Yes: So…
No: So…
Yes: Porridge?
No: Porridge.
Yes: Salt?
No: Salt.

No: Actually…might try cinnammon.

Yes’s eyes narrow

David Greig
Playwright and Theatre Director
@davidgreig

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About David Greig

David Greig is a Scottish playwright and theatre director. His work has been performed at all of the major theatres in Britain, including the Traverse Theatre, Royal Court Theatre, Royal National Theatre and the Royal Shakespeare Company, and been produced around the world.

There are 2 comments

  1. Barry Byrne

    Brilliant. Do we have to wait til September to know what happens next? Will Yes and No break up?? Partitioning!??

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